Hmm.

I haven’t blogged since February 23rd, 2022.

During that time, I always plan to make time for a post once per week.

When that time has come, I have found myself fairly empty of guided thoughts or feelings.

I used to really judge myself when this would happen – “How do you have nothing to say?”

I have grown to understand that I don’t have to always have something on my mind.

It’s okay.

Let it come to you when it comes.

Well, tonight it all came in a heap.

I just had so many feelings and thoughts to sort through.

Once I get going in the hamster wheel of thought, it doesn’t seem to slow down until it spits me out.

I go through thinking about relationships, school, work, music, sports, hobbies, time, and feelings.

All of life hits me at once.

I am not a quick processor.

It really takes me time to understand what is going on, what I am feeling, and what I might do about it.

So, when this wheel of thought goes and goes, it is a tough process.

It feels tough to watch. I get into it and I almost remove myself to watch myself stand there, frozen in time.

I just simply get lost.

I try to find the next step of direction for myself, I always try my best.

Tonight I am really at a point of pondering.

Just saying “Hmm.”

I am deciding to take away this: I am not going to have any answers right now.

I am going to just take all of these thoughts and knowledge and be thankful I worked through the process of just being aware.

I know things exist.

I know I feel things.

I know I want to figure it out.

I know I will get there.

And I am okay knowing that is not right now.

I want to find peace at some point, so now I write and listen to music.

Two things that bring me peace.

I sit at my desk with my little light-up keyboard and my dog at my side, two things that bring me peace.

I can speak to my girlfriend about my thoughts and look out to see our balcony lights, two things that bring me peace.

I move my fingers on the keyboard to see new words and I work my brain to feel my thoughts, two things that bring me peace.

I control my breathing and I control my posture in my seat, two things that bring me peace.

I have to decide what is next for my peace.

The turbulence of maneuvering through the unknown is okay because the end will be peace.

I really don’t know how long it will take for those pieces… Hmm.

I don’t have any guarantees I will fully understand it… Hmm.

What I will do is be grateful for my current “peaces”.

My relationships. My education. My career. My hobbies.

Even if they aren’t always bringing me the utmost understanding and peace, they bring me learning and pieces to find peace.

So, here’s to getting there someday.

And turning the “Hmm.” into something a bit more…

Understanding.

Like an “Mhm.”

I just want to be able to utter a sigh of peace…

An external sign of peace.

The internal feeling of peace needs to be externalized.

We will get there.

Eventually.

NS

“I believe a few words can change your day and your life.”