I want to write about my confusion.
It seems to be the root of my experiences lately.
I am trying to understand my thoughts and feelings.
I don’t know.
I do things and feel things and it seems straightforward, but I dive beneath the surface and it is all murky.
Why am I feeling insecure?
Why am I feeling anxious?
What is going on around me that I can use to help/benefit me?
I make plans for things and don’t do them.
When I do follow through on them, it just feels like I “had to”.
I am making goals and the outcome is either I don’t even try or I try just because I feel obligated to.
Sometimes that’s by others, sometimes that’s just because I feel that’s all there is to do.
I am worn out.
I keep trying. I always do.
I am never a quitter.
However, I am definitely lost.
I find myself getting lost once I try.
I am eager to take steps, but once I take one, I feel like I have to re-assess everything that has happened in that step and what has changed.
It’s not even analysis, it’s just simply anxiety.
I am finding anxiety from simple things – thinking, trying, feeling.
I want to think, try, and feel.
But it’s easier not to.
Easy does not equal good though.
Easy feels like I am just stuck in place.
I feel pain and struggle when it is hard, but it helps me grow and feel/see progress.
So if I know my journey will be hard, why can’t I get through it lately?
I can’t communicate, I can’t function, I can’t power through it all right now.
But if I don’t want to quit, what do I do?
It is just leading me into a lot of “I don’t know.”
If you were to ask me why, I simply don’t know.
I look at it all individually and together, and in every sense, it feels like I am not obtaining any understanding other than I am confused, unsure, and a bit lost.
I hold a positive outlook on life, always seeing its potential.
I have support, I have opportunity.
Right now, I am truly not using either.
So, I will start there.
I want to communicate what I don’t understand in hopes of help to get there.
I want to use opportunity in hopes to grow from those steps.
I don’t need to overthink.
I just want to try.
I don’t know.
I don’t know right now, but I am hopeful I soon will.
I am searching to know deeper understanding, peace, and comfort in what I come to know.
Now, time to find that.
Communicating: Step Day 8/23/2022
“I believe a few words can change your day and your life.”