Control.

One of the most comfortable feelings we experience as humans is control.

There is a physical peace in knowing the ball is in our court.

We want to hang on to every feeling, every circumstance, and feel like the boat won’t sink.

So many times, our boat still sinks.

But why? I thought this boat was perfect… I thought it was exactly what I needed in order to float.

I was steering it with intention.

I was going in the direction of the waves.

How could it sink?

Whether it be wicked waves underneath or storms from the sky, there are pieces of each and every moment in life that are not under our control.

We truly can’t do it all – and many times, we don’t even have a piece.

One of my favorite animations I have ever seen is “the man in the rain”.

It is a black and white, short form animation of a man with big eyes, trudging through the rain.

He shuffles his way underneath an awning to avoid being rained on.

To his surprise and dismay, the rain is going straight through the awning.

He exclaims, “I went under the awning… it’s still raining… why is it still raining? I did what I was supposed to.”

Even in moments where we feel we have control and we do exactly what we feel we should do, there are still outcomes that are not what we want them to be.

I am currently going through trial where with my emotions, my actions, my thoughts… I am trying so hard to control them into an area where I feel it will give me relief, understanding.

Sometimes, I do get to where I am trying to (emotionally, mentally, etc.)

Other times, I take a step forward and it turns into a spiral, back down the hill in which I came.

Why didn’t I get there? I thought I did what I was supposed to.

I was reminded by (of all places) an audio from a TikTok that stated:

“Let it out, boy. All of the anger, the sadness, and the fear, everything that’s brewing inside of you. You’ve got to let it go.”

The subject of the video: The grace of God allowing us not to be slaves to our past, but to be made new.

It is so, so difficult for me to let go.

I don’t want to let go of my feelings – I want to feel them out.

I don’t want to let go of my thoughts – I want to understand them.

I don’t want to let go of my situation – I haven’t overcome it yet.

All of this comes from selfish control.

I can’t do it alone… but what if I could? I would feel so strong, like I could conquer anything…

Jesus did.

I have fallen to my knees so many times, having finally given it up to the Lord after failing.

Failing to let go, to let God take it.

He is our refuge and strength.

In a time like I am in, all I have left is surrender.

Although it feels like failure to the human body and mind, there is nothing more powerful than the peace and strength of God.

Now, this doesn’t mean I quit working on it.

I will be physically, mentally, emotionally battling daily to make it through this time in my life where it seems I am at war within myself.

I am seeking peace, love, strength… looking all over my surroundings for it.

I have been reminded once again to look up and give it up.

The Lord is taking care of us, we just have to let go.

As difficult as it is as a human to loosen our grasp, it doesn’t mean we don’t have a hand.

We ought to care for ourselves – our body, mind, soul, spirit.

We have a job to do – we are to maintain each piece of our being, caring equally for each branch.

I have been trying and trying and trying…

But like a carriage led by only one horse, there comes a point where the lone horse can no longer bear the strength to keep trotting… especially when it refuses to stop for rest, for water, for another horse to join.

The Lord is in my corner. My friends are in my corner. My family is in my corner.

Each branch I seek to take care of being upheld by my support.

I don’t want to open up, I don’t want to talk about it, I want to hold it in.

It’s hard to hide – it’s hard to maintain silence.

This blog is helpful for me to share with those around me without having some of those conversations that make me feel like a burden, like an annoyance.

Thank you to all who read and to all who are in my corner.

Every word, every hug… it is needed.

NS

“I believe a few words can change your day and your life.”