Overthinking.

I made a huge mistake.

To many, it may not seem like it.

But to me, it’s a big deal.

I have a job to do, and in this moment, I failed.

I completely failed.

 

This is what I was afraid of.

I am extremely fearful of having a responsibility that affects more than a few people.

I have one of those responsibilities at the moment and I’ve screwed up.

I know that many mistakes are unavoidable, but this could have been avoided…

By simply doing my job.

 

As I sit here, I question what this means for me.

One mistake shouldn’t end me, but what if it does?

What if my peers that this mistake affects don’t want me to do my job anymore?

What if I can’t recover?

What if I’m not made for the job?

Should I just quit?

 

Every day, I see what is in front of me to do.

No matter the overall magnitude, I am so nervous.

What am I nervous for?

I’m not nervous for performing the task…

I’m not nervous for screwing up…

 

I’m nervous for moments like these.

This moment.

This moment where I am overthinking beyond my control.

Where so many thoughts cramp my brain that I can’t take it anymore.

I have experienced this too many times to count.

It’s hurt me.

Over and over and over.

 

BUT…

 

This is where I nip it at the bud.

As I’ve written to this point, everything that I’ve typed has been me overthinking.

It took me until this sentence to cut it off.

This is good…

This is good.

 

Now, what do I do?

 

I need to breathe.

I need to enjoy the stillness that is being provided and to realize where I am, who I am, and what’s going on.

 

Next, I need to address my thoughts.

Whether there are 3 or 3,000, I want to take each thought and know it is there. I want to address each thought and tell myself it will be okay.

 

Next, I will continue to be mindful of what overthinking feels like and what led up to it. I want to embrace and have knowledge of these feelings so I can hopefully nip it in the bud sooner next time.

 

Lastly, breathe one more time. I am relaxing and moving forward.

 

What’s the point of all of this?

 

I helped myself.

I know myself.

I am myself.

 

To me, this experience makes me smile and gives me hope.

It isn’t a fun experience, but it’s a necessary one.

I have been an overthinking soul for a long time.

And I will continue to overthink.

But this isn’t a problem; it’s who I am.

I accept that my brain acts a certain way in which I tend to overly complicate situations.

 

Being better requires knowing better.

By experiencing this, I am using another experience to learn about myself and grow.

I am okay with who I am.

But, I want to be better at knowing who I am.

 

The big picture here is that I know I overthink.

I know my faults.

I know I make mistakes.

And I know that that is okay.

 

Every human is a complicated puzzle.

I know my puzzle is built differently than others.

I want to figure out and build my puzzle.

I need to piece my puzzle together before I try and jump in on someone else’s.

 

It’s time to keep learning.

 

I want to always be learning about who I am.

 

Because the more knowledge I have…

The less overthinking I have to do to understand. 

 

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