The Diagnosis // Branches.

For us to make changes in our lives, we must first become aware of the problem/piece that we want to change.

We must then investigate this issue:

• Why do we want to change?
• What about it needs to be adjusted?
• Where did this issue come from?
• What is the source?
• Does this source need to be addressed first before we begin working on the issue that comes from it?

Unfortunately, lately, the sources feel internal.

It feels like as I investigate these issues, they are stemming from things that I have done.

Whether that be using hurtful words, oversharing in times of heavy emotion, undersharing in times of heavy emotion, having self-destructive thoughts, and giving up on a situation before even trying… it sure is hard to face.

I am so sorry to those who these issues have affected.

From a simple and youthful standpoint, I just don’t want to keep bringing the vibes down.

But I am struggling. Greatly.

I am trying to come to terms with the messiness, drama, and intense emotions in my mind and body right now.

First step: Diagnosis.

I struggle many times to even reach this mindful step, one that is crucial in my ability to identify the source.

If I don’t know what it is and where it’s coming from, how will I be ready to stop it?

I am at a crossroads.

I want to share. I want to be open. I want to work hard and figure these things out with my support.

Then, I want to hold it in. I don’t want to be annoying, to concern others, to keep grinding over issues that seem like they won’t go away.

It’s quite the battle at the moment, but not one I feel that I will lose.

It is more the fear of losing things I care about along the way.

I love my family so much.

I love my friends so much.

I love my coworkers so much.

I value each of them largely in my life, and my emotional connection to each of those branches of support is so important to me.

So, when I hurt them, I panic.

I panic in fear of loss.

I feel that if I lose any support, I will start to lose the battle.

In a time like now, where the battle wages heavy, I feel I need all of these branches to hold me up, as many days are difficult to do so on my own.

I know we are not built to do it on our own.

So, as I march forward with the diagnoses of the day, I march forward in hope of my branches holding firm, helping me cross the finish line.

The hardest part: That still requires me to take steps, too.

I have to work to heal. I have to work to be better. I have to work to grow. I have to work to learn.

And this I will do, and I will do my best.

And for my branches, I hope they can see this, even when I may make a mistake, cause pain, or hold on a little too strongly.

I love my branches.

I need to love me, too.

NS

“I believe a few words can change your day and your life.”