Come back to earth.

It’s hard dealing with this predicament:

I care about my image and my reputation amongst those around me. I want to lead by example. I want to always be strong, courageous, confident.

 

But there are times when I need to open up.

Times that I need to open up about what I am thinking and feeling.

All of us need to open up sometimes. It’s so hard to keep things inside before it all blows up.

You need to talk about these things.

 

Also, I don’t want to be dishonest in how I feel.

I want to be very clear about how I feel.

 

So, I would like to choose to be honest today.

 

Here are some things I want people to know that I am currently wrestling with:

 

• I often feel like an afterthought. I rarely feel like I am wanted, and when I do, it’s usually because I convince myself that I asserted myself into that position.
• I am struggling with depression on a daily basis. Heavy mood swings are becoming a burden.
• I often feel like I can ever completely trust anyone. There are many people in my life I go to for a variety of things, but I don’t feel that there is a single person on the planet who I can fully trust. This can lead to me feeling like it is “Nelson vs. The World”, which is obviously not good.
• I don’t feel very strongly or motivated by much anymore. I get an idea of something I like to do one day, and the next day I don’t care about it. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to be assertive.

 

When I think of my depression, it is easy to know what it feels like, but hard to put into words.

I don’t know if I have ever found something that relates more to my depression in words than this song.

The song is “Come Back to Earth” by Mac Miller.

Here are the lyrics:

[Chorus]
My regrets look just like texts I shouldn’t send
And I got neighbors, they’re more like strangers
We could be friends
I just need a way out of my head
I’ll do anything for a way out
Of my head

[Verse]
In my own way, this feels like living
Some alternate reality
And I was drowning, but now I’m swimming
Through stressful waters to relief
Yeah, oh, the things I’d do
Just spend a little time in hell
And what I won’t tell you
I’ll probably never even tell myself
And don’t you know that sunshine don’t feel right
When you’re inside all day
I wish it was nice out, but it looked like rain
Grey skies and I’m drifting, not living forever
They told me it only gets better

[Chorus]
My regrets look just like texts I shouldn’t send
And I got neighbors, they’re more like strangers
We could be friends
I just need a way out of my head
I’ll do anything for a way out
Of my head

---

Regarding this song, I find a few things from the lyrics that I can relate to in my struggles:

• I am constantly overthinking. I do what I know to do to escape it, although it is hard.
• Many times, I fail to reach out to those around me because I just don’t want to be a bother. Then, because I shut people out, I feel lonely and I feel like I have no one, even though I do, and very easily could, at that moment.
• I sometimes even hide from myself. I just don’t want to open up about my struggles in fear of being judged.

---

As I realize these things and deal with them, I see how much growth I have made despite these feelings.

• I know that I have many people around me that care about me and that I can go to.
• I have been better this year about reaching out to those closest to me when I need it.
• I have found a lot of peace in decisions I have made this year.
• I am learning more and more about how to control my emotions every single day and how to deal with my overthinking.

 

I am always working on myself and how I feel.

I am never going to be close to perfect, but I know what I need and what others deserve.

I think it is a step forward to be able to open up about this.

 

And just so everyone is aware, I am more than okay.

I am doing quite well!

Despite these things I am wrestling with, I feel like I know more about myself, my emotions, the world around me, and I am just overall more understanding of my life.

 

As I always tell myself, life is a grind.

Each and every day I am learning something new and working hard.

I am appreciative for the place I am in, despite the challenges I am facing.

 

Thank you to everyone in my life who helps me grow and learn every single day in every single way.

 

Let’s keep getting better.