Learning how to live my own life.

I spent some time in reflection, reading, and writing last night.

However, this blog page remained blank, the cursor blinking, waiting for words to type.

I couldn’t really find any.

That felt very fitting for the topic of this post and the space of this learning I am in.

Something I have struggled with my entire life is anxiety in all of my relationships (family, friends, etc.)

I highly value respect, listening, care, and empathy. I want everyone around me to feel seen, heard, and loved.

Whenever I notice that someone seems sad, angry, or just not themselves in a moment, I begin to worry that I have done something wrong.

I begin to think about what I can do to help them, if I have made a mistake with my words or my actions to hurt them, if they don’t want to be around me.

This also translates into other communication – if someone doesn’t reply to my text, call, or email, I begin to worry that I used words that were hurtful, they don’t want to talk to me, etc.

It is a fear of abandonment – that because of something I have done, or simply who I am, they will leave because of this thing.

I then begin to feel selfish. I realize that most of the time I have not done anything wrong, and they are simply just dealing with their own stuff, just like I am. I start to feel like I am only considering myself in moments of struggle.

It is a strong spiral – one that has caused me a lot of worry and pain. Mostly self-inflicted.

As I try to heal and grow out of this pattern of spiraling, I am working to ground myself in truth:

1. My friends care about me, and they know I care about them.
2. Just because someone is sad or angry doesn’t mean it was something I did.
3. A text message that was not replied to does not mean they are leaving my life.
4. Everyone is dealing with a lot in life – this doesn’t mean you are not a priority.
5. I am safe – I can sit, soothe, and be okay.

However, one thing I reflected on as I was reading a book yesterday was, “Am I living my own life?”

I think at times I am. I know the things that are good for me, making decisions daily to place my body, mind, and soul in the right places. I want to grow, I want to do and be good, and I want to care about myself.

Then, the anxiety creeps in – why am I only focusing on myself in this moment? I should be attending to the pain my friends are experiencing, helping others, and looking out for the needs of those around me first.

In this, I am turning my fear inwards.

I have done a good job of abandoning myself.

I get scared that I am not doing enough to be loved, to be seen, to make others better.

So, I turn off my inward care and put it outward.

My love tank is being filled by others.

Then, when I return to the time alone in my home, I realize I am back to empty, as there is no one to pour into but myself.

That is where loneliness truly arrives.

I spend much time alone and have always cherished that time. I have grown, learned, prayed, written, thought, read, napped, walked… done many things to care for myself in that alone time over my life.

However, I think that the more you pour into others to fill your tank, the more “lonely” you feel.

Being alone isn’t lonely. Abandoning yourself is.

So, in recognizing these patterns I have created for my brain and nervous system, I am going to work to turn the corner to a place of care for myself – true care.

I know what’s good for me, but am I truly doing it for me?

My intentions are always good, but I need to believe in myself.

I need to believe that I am good.

I need to believe that I am enough.

I need to believe that I am strong.

I need to believe that I can do it.

It simply starts with telling yourself those words – out loud, on paper, wherever they can be seen or heard.

We spend so much time feeding ourselves negative words and being hard on ourselves. We begin to believe those things, even though they aren’t true. We get used to the pain, sitting in it for long enough for our brain and nervous system to recognize it as part of life.

This is where the learning – perhaps rewiring – will become present.

I want to learn how to live my own life.

I think I know how to do that, but I need to believe that I can do it.

I need to continue to apply myself, believe in myself, and pour into myself.

I know that when I do that, all of my other relationships will flourish from me being at my best.

A full love tank that is contributed by more than just reassurance from others.

I believe that all of my relationships in my life are strong, loving, and caring.

I am so thankful for this and get emotional daily thinking about all of the wonderful people in my life who pour into me.

Now, it’s time to find my relationship with myself and pour into myself on my own.

I hope I can do it – I am ready.

NS

“I believe a few words can change your day and your life.”