As we strive to learn and grow within ourselves and amidst all facets of our lives, it starts with creating awareness of what it is you are looking to learn from, grow in, etc.
Usually, those pieces are something that you view that you are currently deficient in, something that needs to be improved upon in order to reach the state that it needs to be (or that you want it to be) moving forward.
We can’t fix something if we don’t know, see, or feel that it is broken (whether partly or fully).
Once awareness is created, we can look at where it came from, what it looks like, why it is the current way it is, and the work we need to do in order to improve it as we move forward.
There are two facets of creating awareness that I am struggling with at the moment.
- Trouble with comparison
- When awareness comes of something that I need to improve within myself, or something that I can control, I start the process of reflecting on where it came from, what it is, all of the work I need to understand it as I move forward and try to improve it, correct it, etc. – What I am struggling with is viewing where I am in that specific department, and if there are any direct examples of someone or something that is better than where I am in that department, I begin to feel that I am not good enough. Instead of continuing to work on that piece of me, I sometimes get caught up with the idea that the present me is bad, just because this one piece of me is not where I want it to be or need it to be.
- Trouble with pain
- Awareness, when channeled in reality, can sometimes be painful. It doesn’t feel good to see or feel that you are hurting yourself or others around you. I am struggling that in these sometimes harsh truths, I am shutting down, realizing that I made a mistake and beating myself up for not knowing better, not being better, for causing pain. This can lead to negative self-talk, feeling that you are annoying, unwanted, unlovable, stupid, etc.
Instead of taking the awareness that comes to me and turning it into stepping stones for growth, I am finding that I create awareness, and my first stepping stone hurts.
“Ouch”, I say and feel as I recognize something that I am “not good enough” about, or that I feel I am hurting myself, my relationships, my work, my body… Even if it is not true.
And almost always, it is not true.
Just because I want to be, or need to be, better at something moving forward doesn’t mean that my entire worth is gone.
It doesn’t mean that the other things I have healed, grown within, and work hard at each day turn into nothing.
I still have fruits… A lot to give. It’s just hard for me to not look only at the bad apple in the bunch and think that it’s all worth throwing away.
It’s a mental battle of the truth.
Our rational selves see and feel the work we do, the love we give, the effort we show, the words we say.
I always try my best. I always try to love. I always want those on my branches to know how much I care for them.
I hope I am able to do that despite the battles I am facing within.
I know that I need to face those within myself before I can fully give to others.
I don’t want my own stones to hurt me, let alone anyone else.
I want to receive the next stepping stone in my awareness with a feeling of gratitude.
Being thankful that I am learning, I have the opportunity to grow, and I can do it.
Awareness is a gift, not a curse or a pain.
It may not always feel fantastic to realize some harsh truths, but we need to follow the truth.
We need to know, feel, and work with the truth.
Because in a mind full of lies, every step is an “ouch”.
I don’t want my feet to be tired and hurting on this walk.
I want to be excited for these steps, each stone becoming smoother, the water becoming clearer, and eventually making it across the river.
There is green grass, it’s right there – that might be the most important piece of awareness that never goes away.
We will cross the river. We will make it.
Even if some of the stones hurt sometimes. Even if we misstep and have to go back.
It’s there, we can see it, we know it, we are always closer than we think and feel.
I’ll find my footing soon. One rooted in gratitude and growth, rather than pain and lies.
“Something is rotten inside of me. I have to find it and cut it out.”
NS
“I believe a few words can change your day and your life.”
Nelson Searcy's Thought Sharing 