This post has been in the works for a long time.
It has taken a lot of reflection and a lot of thinking over the past two years to put together.
I have always struggled with figuring out why I act a certain way or why I like something or what my purpose is. I look at myself constantly with questions. Not negatively, but I am just always curious. I am not very good at expressing myself with words, or at finding those that will listen to me ramble for 2 hours about random thoughts that don’t help me answer my questions.
As I have reflected constantly and struggled with figuring out who I am and why I am who I am, I have realized what has helped me the most and what I want to use going forward:
Ever since I was a young child, words have affected me in more ways than anything else has in my entire life. My dad would use them to relieve anger, and in turn, would lead to verbal abuse towards me, which would lead to me being hurt. My mom would use them to tear herself down, and in turn, would lead to me being sad. My sisters would use them to argue with me, and in turn, would lead to me being mad. At this point, I hated words. All they did was cause pain, sadness, and anger. But when times were good, words had a whole different effect. My family would use words to express their care for me, and in turn, would lead to me feeling loved. My friends would use words to express their appreciation for me, and in turn, would lead to me feeling happy and included. My pastor would use words to express emotion, and in turn, would lead to me feeling moved and motivated.
I understood words, but words were hard for me to express.
Ever since I can remember, I have viewed words as what should verbally repeat my thoughts. Words were how other people could understand what was going on inside my head. The goods, the bads, the in-betweens: Words could give clarity.
In the past 2 years, words have given me everything but clarity.
I have said words of all kinds to express myself and to say what I need to say, but it just doesn’t feel right. I tell stories, I crack jokes, I spill emotions, and I chatter daily with the same words. What has changed to make everything so different?
In my life, I am beginning to see how words can only tell the full story when they are typed.
I continuously struggle with saying the right things and tripping myself up in normal conversation. I don’t stutter or have a speech impediment, but I feel as if I don’t express what I am trying to express. Whether that is from a lack of learning, a lack of vocabulary, or a lack of understanding, I am not sure.
One thing I know for sure is that when I am writing, I always say exactly how I feel.
When I write, I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I feel free and I feel like I can do anything. Writing allows me to take as much time as I need to express what I want to express. I can edit everything to the point where it is perfect (in my mind). I don’t have to rush my thoughts and I can take everything into account. Writing allows me to be who I am and to understand everything that is going on.
Writing makes me happy.
Writing makes me HAPPY.
Writing makes me happy.
As I sit in my bed and think about this discovery for myself, I can say that I know what I love to do. For years, I have searched for what I think is the right career for me, and I think I could excel in multiple areas if I put my heart into it.
But there are few things my heart is fully into when I am doing it.
- Helping others grow
Besides that, everything is a mere formality to me. Not that it isn’t important, but it is not where I am meant to be. I am a child of God, I am meant to be a light to others, I am meant to use my writing and my words to help myself grow and to help others grow. I have been blessed with musical and athletic talents to reach audiences in the way that I can reach them.
I feel as if through my experience with words, I can reveal to others about so many things in life to help them grow. Words go so much further than you can imagine and they mean so much to everyone. When words are used, they are so powerful. Using words to help everyone is something that I want.
I know that I have a lot of work to do to become a writer who truly affects people with their works, but my heart is in it and I am ready to start.
“A person’s words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook.” – Proverbs 18:4
I pray that I will use my words to help others and to help everyone grow. I pray God will use me in ways that will glorify Him the greatest, whether it is in my writing or in my spoken words. I pray that God will continue to lead me and teach me so I can lead and teach others the same.
For now, that’s all I’ve got.
One thing is for sure: More words are on the way, and it will be all good ones.